Promises Part 1: I Just Want To Know Something

This new beginning hasn't been easy. Uprooting, moving, finding myself in a place where I know no one. More than the details though, the voices in my head have been haunting me with a word: Again. I am starting over, again. I am alone, again. I'm trying somewhere new, again. Then another word is whispered: Still. I still don't know what to do with my life. I still don't have a plan. I'm still alone. I'm still confused. The panicked questions follow: Why do I always find myself in this same position? How long am I going to be confused? Am I ever going to figure out what to do with my life? Do I even have a purpose here? Have I missed it?

These voices and these questions are why I am up long after the sounds of Roseburg have quieted and the lights of this little town have faded for the night. These are the moments when I can't sleep and so I just sit on the couch and talk. Sometimes I talk to no one; sometimes I talk to God. Talking seems to calm me, especially when I don't worry about being interrupted. I think my fond memories of performing on stage cause me to want to feel like these moments are scripted; this is just the scene where my character is going through a bad time; but the happy ending is coming. My character has had quite a few of these scenes lately.

When I'm sitting on the couch, talking to God, I don't normally start off with the adoration I probably should. When I'm on the couch, I'm having a conversation with my daddy. I normally have the Lord's Prayer going through my mind and I just take a piece of it and say it my own way.

Our Father... Oh, daddy.

Hallowed be your name... You are good and powerful and strong. And I am so not.

Your will be done...

This part gets the tears out a bit. Because when I'm sitting on the couch, I don't want to say things I don't mean. So when I say, "I know you have a plan for me", I stop and wonder if I actually believe what I just said. When I say, "I want my life to honor you, so whatever will do that the best, Lord, may it be", I ask myself if I'm actually okay with that. Does He have something for me? I mean, I'm starting over again, right? I'm alone again, right? I'm still confused, right? If this is the life He has for me, am I really okay with that?

A few more tears, a couple of silent minutes and I'm ready to be honest. "Lord, I just want to know something. I don't need every answer, I don't need to figure everything out. I just want to know something."

Silence.
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During the last few months, my idle moments, when I'm not sitting on the couch in the middle of the night, have been filled with thoughts of promises. In the quiet moments that word comes into my mind. Promises. In sweet, well-meaning, Christian circles we are told to claim the promises of God. Normally that means we'll take a verse in Jeremiah out of its context and convince ourselves that it means that God will provide a husband even more handsome than we could imagine, a house even more beautiful than we've dreamed up, a job even more perfect than we could ask for, and a life that we will look back on and smile. Sometimes I think it would be easier to write off any bad feelings with this verse, but my earthly daddy has taught me better than that. This book, these stories, they are not meant for me to take one or two happy verses from and expect an easy life. The Bible is not for me to read about my life, it's for me to learn about my God; to learn about my loving, powerful, never-changing, Heavenly Father.

I love reading about the life of Abraham. When I was younger I never would have thought that Abraham's would be the life I would have the most in common with, but I feel like I know a little bit how it felt when God said to Abraham, "Go and I'll show you the rest later."

Get out of your country, from your family and from your father's house, to a land that I will show you. I will make you a great nation; I will bless you and make your name great; and you shall be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you and I will curse him who curses you and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed. (Genesis 12:1-3)

Abraham sure got a heap of promises, but I can't say that he was given easy charge. Just go, I'll take care of the rest. Really?

So Abram departed as the Lord had spoken to him... (Genesis 12:4)

Could I do that? Do I realize that by begging God to tell me something, He could tell me to do that? I love that Abraham was so quick to believe. I love to read about his beautiful faith. However, I also love to read about his mistakes. The same man who jumped when God said jump, forgot his faith time and time again and even sold out his wife when he saw a problem that he didn't think God could handle. It would make perfect sense in our earthly minds if God were to cast Abraham away and find somebody else who He would use to bless "all the families of the earth." But the opposite happens:

Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your exceedingly great reward. (Genesis 15:1)

Here is the place where that typical religious speak normally goes. What does Abram say?

Lord GOD, what will You give me, seeing I go childless. (Genesis 15:2)

Honesty. I think this is the moment when Abram just sits on the couch with God. You see a few chapters back, God had promised Abraham a child- because it was through this child that God was going to carry on Abraham's line and carry out the blessing on every other person. And now Abraham is talking with God, he is hearing his promises and he offers God the truth of what is in his heart. His address to God says, "I know you are sovereign and I know you are powerful- but the truth is, I want a son and I don't have one and I just don't see how you are going to do what you said if I do have a son."

"God, I know you are holy, I know you are perfect- but God, I just don't know if you are ever going to help me figure out my life."

Then He (God) brought him outside and said, "Look now toward heaven, and count the stars if you are able to number them." And He said to him, "so shall your descendents be." (Genesis 15:5)

Now I could take this verse and claim it for my life and say that God is going to grant me with thousands of children, but frankly I don't want to do that, and seriously that's not the point. God draws Abraham's attention to His creation; to the world that He made and that He controls with His hand. Basically what God says to Abraham is, "Look at what I can do. Can I not give you a son, even after all this time?"

Now it's a cloudy night here in Oregon and I can't see too many stars. I can however, feel the cool night air on my face. I can here the many critters of the night providing nature's soundtrack. In the distance I can see the dark outline of the mountains that make me marvel during the day.

Look at what I can do. Can I not ______________, even after all this time?

And he believed in the Lord, and He (God) accounted it to him (Abram) for righteousness." (Genesis 15:6)

This verse is the gospel. Abram believed. God reconciled him. Abram was not saved by obedience or good works. He honestly came to God with his brokeness and he didn't understand everything and he didn't know how things were going to play out, but he trusted his God and believed what He said. Whether we meet God as a child or long, long after that, this is what matters. No amount of any goodness can reconcile us to our Heavenly Father. God's grace saved Abram because of his humble and honest faith.

Now I'm almost done, and I'm quite tired, but this is my favorite part.

And it came to pass, when the Sun went down and it was dark, that behold there appeared a smoking oven and a burning torch that passed between those pieces. (Genesis15:17)

In this day, to make a covenant, to make a solemn agreement, two people performed a ceremony called "passing through the pieces". An animal would be cut in two and put on either side of the path and this was a picture for each one entering the agreement. By walking through they were saying, " may I become like this if I do not keep my part of the deal." But in the story of Abraham we see something different. When it was time for both parties to walk through the pieces what we see instead is smoke and fire. Smoke and fire is always used in Scripture to signify the presence of God. God alone passed through the pieces; God alone took the responsibility for this covenant. By doing so He said: If I violate you, may I be ripped in two, and if you violate me, may I be ripped in two.

He was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon him, and by His stripes we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)

Did God keep his end of the deal? Absolutely. He gave Abraham his son, and through that son He blessed and blesses every single person on the earth. How? Thousands of years down Abraham's line was born the one who could reconcile us back to God: His only Son Jesus. Do we keep up our end of the deal? No. Do we always trust God? No. But we are not called on to pay a debt. God allowed himself to be ripped apart; to have his son die on a cross; to pay the debt that we could not. To reconcile us and to fulfill his promise.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go or what purpose my life has. But I have a God who says He loves me and is committed to me and asks nothing from me but that I come to Him honest and that I trust Him to do the rest. I'm going to mess up again. I'm going to hear the voices in my head and start to panic. But when Christ took my sin on himself He bridged the gap and now I can sit on the couch and say, "daddy, I know you are good, but please just tell me something."

Tonight He reminded me of the only something that I need to remember.

I think I'll be able to sleep now.

For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus and if you are Christ's, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise. (Galatians 3:26-29)